Star Wars Messed Up
by Dragoon Galaxy
Summary: Classical lines from the Star Wars movies, a little messed up.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I'm just a Star Wars Fan nothing more, if I did own it then I'd make this fan fic into a mini series.**

**Summary:** Classical lines from the Star Wars movies, a little messed up.

"Some one was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction," one trooper said.

"Look sir!" another reported holding a six pack. "Beer!"

**XXXXXX**

"Some one was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction," one trooper said.

"Look sir!" another reported holding a DVD. "Porno!"

**XXXXXX**

"This battle station is the ultimate weapon of the galaxy! I suggest we use it!"

"Do not be so proud of this technological terror you've constructed. It's the size of a bloody moon and you don't have one decent bar. And anyway; the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the force…"

"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, upgrade our broadband or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fortress. Don't make me laugh myself to death!"

"Won't I?" exclaims Vader, and he proceeds to tickle the man with the force. "I find your girly laughter disturbing…"

"Vader that's enough!" says Grand Moff Tarkin. "Release him. This bickering is pointless and very silly. The princess will tell us the location of the hidden rebel base, Vader will soon get the plans back, and this station will be operational as scheduled!"

**XXXXXX**

"Lord Vader, only you would be so bold. Would you like some coffee?" Princess Leia asked.

"Indeed, a tiny little bit on the dark-side. Oh! And don't forget the straw this time."

**XXXXXX**

The troopers come by and halt their vehicle. "How long have you had that beer dispenser?" the leader asked.

"It's for sale if you want it?"

"Really?"

"Two bucks a can."

"Wow! Thanks. Hey, do you have change?"

"Hmm, sorry I can't break a fifty, do you have ten on you?"

"I can break a twenty." says Luke.

"Cool! Thanks dudes." replies the trooper happily, and he sticks a straw in his mouth piece.

**XXXXXX**

"I can't understand how we got by those troopers. I thought we were dead." Luke said as he parked his speeder.

Obi-won smiles "Beer can have a strong influence on the weak minded…"

**XXXXXX**

"Are you an angel?" Anakin asks fiddling with a piece of equipment.

"No I'm the queen of Naboo, now on your knees and worship me you little brat," Padmé ordered.

**Disclaimer: I realise this chapter is a little short but I haven't watched any on the Star Wars movies lately but I hope you enjoyed it none the less. A review before you leave would be nice and I'll try updating as soon as I can. The force will be will you always.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: And here's the second chapter.**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

"Uh sir, that's the call button for the slave dancers,"

**XXXXXX**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

"Uh sir, you just cancelled the Brady Bunch,"

**XXXXXX**

"Are you a little short for a Storm Trooper?" Leia asked.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A PIEBRAIN MIDGET SIZED LITTLE RUNT?" Luke shouted throwing a tantrum.

'_Note to self, never mention this guys height_,' Leia thought.

**XXXXXX**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

Minutes later the door opened revealing a very pissed off Darth Vader. "Who the hell cut off the broadband?"

"Ooops,"

**XXXXXX**

"If you'll excuse me," Anakin said jumping out of the speeder only to get hit by an oncoming transport.

"Well, I guess that makes Anakin the fourth Jedi to be hit by an oncoming vehicle," Obi-won shrugged flying towards the nearest striper bar.

**XXXXXX**

"Oh my god! Vader killed Obi-won!"

"You bastard!"

**XXXXXX**

"What's this?" Obi-won asked staring at Jar-Jar.

"It surprises me how little you know about the universe young one, Gungans are considered a delicacy on some planets. Quite tasty when cooked in yogurt sauce," Qui-gon replied.

**XXXXXX**

"Oh my god! Vader killed Obi-won!"

"Ah who cares? I never like the old fossil anyway,"

**XXXXXX**

"The beer will be with you always," Luke heard in his head as he flew towards the rebel base in his dildo fighter after destroying the Betty Ford clinic.

**XXXXXX**

"Some one was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction," one trooper said.

"Look sir!" another reported holding a stack of magazines. "Playboy!"

**XXXXXX**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

"TK422 here, TK421 has his head stuck in an exhaust port,"

"How'd that happen?"

"He had his helmet on backwards again,"

"Who the hell is training these guys?"

**XXXXXX**

"Some one was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction," one trooper said.

"Look sir!" another reported pointing at a blonde woman lying in the sand wearing a bright red one-piece bathing suit. "Pamela Anderson!"

**XXXXXX**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

"_TK421 here, I'm unable to turn on my receiver right now because I'm either drunk, dead, watching porno, reading Playboy, smoking pot or having sex with a cat lady from Scratching Post 8. Please leave a message after the swear word. FUCK_!"

"This is one fucked up empire,"

**XXXXXX**

"You've done well Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to complete your Barbie dolls collection?" the Emperor asked causing massive murmurs among the soldiers.

"You said you wouldn't tell anyone Master! How could you!" Vader wailed running off and crying like a little girl.

**XXXXXX**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

"Uh sir, you just cancelled South Park,"

"Damn it!"

**XXXXXX**

"It was I who allowed the alliance to know the location of the Playboy mansion. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band,"

**Disclaimer: Please leave a review on your way out.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Third chapter. **

"It was I who allowed the alliance to know the location of the Penthouse hotel. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band,"

**XXXXXX**

"Your overconfidence is your weakness,"

"And your buy one get one free card expired three months ago,"

"Damn!"

**XXXXXX**

"The Playboy mansion ship is dead ahead, the one crawling with vulture droids,"

**XXXXXX**

"The Condom kingdom is dead ahead, the one crawling with George Bush droids,"

**XXXXXX**

"I think he's all right," Anakin said leaning over Obi-won's unconscious body.

"Leave him or we'll never make it to the Telly-Tubbies concert," Palpatine ordered.

"His fate will be the same as ours," Anakin replied.

**XXXXXX**

"I think he's all right," Anakin said leaning over Obi-won's unconscious body.

"Leave him or we'll never make it," Palpatine ordered.

"I can't leave him here, he still hasn't returned the three porno DVDs I leant him," Anakin replied.

**XXXXXX**

"Where are you going?" Obi-won asked point back to a shortcut their fugitive had taken. "He went that way,"

"I can't case a bad guy on an empty stomach master," Anakin replied pulling up to a drive-through Mac Donald's. "Plus they've got topless girls at the service windows now,"

"You're just hoping to get that cat demon in your Jedi meal," Obi-won scoffed.

"Hey! I happen to like cat demons," Anakin protested.

**XXXXXX**

"Why are you stopping?" Obi-won asked point back to a shortcut their fugitive had taken. "He went that way,"

"We're out of gas master," Anakin replied point to the empty fuel gauge. "Maybe if you hadn't been street racing all day we wouldn't be stuck here,"

"I'll have you know street racing is the only thing that keeps me from slicing your head off my young padiwan! I'd still be happily married to Qui-gon if you hadn't shown up!" Obi-won wailed igniting his lightsabre and sticking it through Anakin's gut.

**XXXXXX**

"TK421 why aren't you at your post? TK421 do you copy?"

"Uh sir, you just pressed the self destruct button for the porno hut,"

"**NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!"

**XXXXXX**

"And now your highness we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base," Vader said stepping aside to reveal Princess Leia's torture device. "Allow me to present, Mini-Vader,"

In the seconds that followed everyone in the Galaxy looked up at hearing a blood curdling scream.

**XXXXXX**

"And now your highness we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base," Vader said stepping aside to reveal Princess Leia's torture device.

"My name is George W Bush and I approve this message: Tacos rule,"

"NNNNNOOOOOO! Anything but tacos! I can't stand tacos!" Leia wailed.

**XXXXXX**

"You've done well Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to complete your slave girls DVD collection," the Emperor asked causing massive murmurs among the soldiers.

"Thanks a lot master! Why don't you just inform the whole galaxy," Vader pouted, angrily crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh come now Vader there's no need to get all moody," the Emperor said patting Vader's shoulder.

"Just leave me alone master!" Vader sulked stomping back to his private quarters where his two cat women were waiting for his return.

"What's wrong Lord Vader?" the first one asked her limbs hanging from where she was perched on her scratching post.

"Did the Emperor say something to make you upset?" the second asked from his bed covered with silk sheets.

"He knows about my slave girl DVD collection," Vader answered removing his helmet revealing Luke Skywalker. "So who wants a back scratch?"

Both girls quickly took their places on the floor in front of his bed, excited at back scratch that always felt like heaven.

**XXXXXX**

"I think he's all right," Anakin said leaning over Obi-won's unconscious body.

"Leave him or I'll never make it back home in time for the Brady Bunch," Palpatine ordered.

"I'd rather stay here and wait to get captured," Anakin mumbled.

"I heard that young Skywalker,"

"Ooops,"

**XXXXXX**

"And now your highness we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base," Vader said stepping aside to reveal Princess Leia's torture device. "Allow me to present Richard Simmons,"

"Hey there princess! Are we ready to exercise and get in shape?"

"**NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!"

**XXXXXX**

"And now your highness we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base," Vader said stepping aside to reveal Princess Leia's torture device. "Allow me to present Tinki-Winki, Dipsi, La-la and Poe,"

"Not the Telly-Tubbies! Anything but the Telly-Tubbies!"

**XXXXXX**

"And now your highness we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base," Vader said.

"I won't tell you anything Vader," Leia huffed.

"If you don't start talking I'll have to start break dancing," Vader replied.

"You wouldn't?" Leia cringed at the thought of sloppy, pathetic break dancing.

"Actually I would. Music!" Vader said pointing at a storm trooper with a boom box.

"_I like big butts and I cannot lie…"_ (I don't know the rest of that song.)

Leia was forced to watch as Vader did the worst break dancing in history.

**Disclaimer: I have two questions: Do I have a dirty mind? And am I cruel and vicious?**


End file.
